Reliving old trauma


Holy shit. That was way more re-traumatizing than I thought it would be.

Copyright
"Space Shuttle Discovery by yeahbouyee.
Used under Creative Commons 2.0
I'm watching the docu-series Challenger: The Final Flight on Netflix. Episode 3 just finished with the explosion of the orbiter.

All of sudden, I was in the 7th grade again and 11 years old. I working on a video project for my English class in the media center with a friend. We were crudely splicing video clips together using a pair of VCRs. We had a stack of video cassettes full of stuff we had recorded off of cable television at home. I was that kid who was obsessed with space travel and science-fiction, we both were, and we had planned on breaking for the launch. We just took a break from shooting video we had just captured.

I remember many of the adults I knew were passe about the launches, they had become commonplace. To us, we were excited. We were the generation that grew up on all 3 Star Wars movies. We watched the lift-off. I could only imagine how loud the engines were and the heat from the engines. We let our imaginations run.

We had lift-off.

We held our breath for what felt like forever. Once we thought it was free, we cheered. We were excited again. We were excited about every launch. The last time we watched a shuttle launch in the Media Center, we were scolded for being too loud.

73 seconds into launch, everything changed. The orbiter had come apart and exploded. We stood there with our mouths open.

"The silence is deafening." - Tom Brokaw, reporting on the accident

At the time, I was devastated but in that abstract way. There was a teacher on that flight and she could've been one of my teachers. 

I don't remember anything of the rest of that day. But I remember that moment. 

I am not okay at the moment but I'll be fine in the end, I've processed this shock before but with all of the interviews and archival footage, this way more personal.

I need something lighter. I think continuing my binge-watching of Lucifer should do the trick.


The Performer and the Corona Virus


Miss Violet DeVille on Doomsday. Copyright 2020, Miss Violet DeVille
Me and my favorite gas mask. It's handy given that the west coast on fire at the moment.
The last time I was on a stage that wasn't in my home was in February. Then I had surgery and COVID-19 lockdown went into effect the very next day. Every performance since then has been in my home studio. I've been making slow, incremental upgrades to it for live-streamed shows, recording acts for video, and so on. It's been an eye-opening experience, to say the least. I miss the feedback that only the stage and the audience can give. Tonight, I get to see an audience once more.

Tonight I have my first performance with the improv troupe before a live audience. I would be foolish if I wasn't nervous, and I was very nervous about this in the leadup to the client call for the show.

It turns out that the audience for this birthday show all work in the same medical center. That's a huge relief as there is not a COVID denyer in the bunch. This party had been planned since before the outbreak and they have rolled with the punches. For example, they shifted from a buffet meal to a 4 course meal because of COVID and I suspect that hand sanitizer will be abundant this evening. While it may be odd to perform under PPE, I am not complaining about it. Hopefully, the new lavalierr mic I bought for my wireless pack will does the trick tonight.

I cannot wait to get back on the proverbial stage. I mean, it'll be a careful and thoughtful approach but I am grateful none the less.